Men Without Maps

Our dads

My dad is the prime example of an old-school man. He’s stoic in accepting everything that life throws at him. There’s no apparent outpouring of emotions, even in the toughest situations. He emanates physical strength and intellectual rigor, with a razor-like focus on fulfilling his role as the family’s breadwinner. I have seen my dad start to well up - forbid crying, for God’s sake - only once, and that was when his father couldn’t come to his birthday celebration because he was too ill. Never again.

I have watched this man interact with his wife, lift bricks in our garden, and spend long days working throughout my entire young life. This was the behavior I unconsciously absorbed. I love my dad deeply. However, these personality traits I grew accustomed to might be considered archaic, if not outright unhealthy, these days. Our culture is shifting toward encouraging men to become more emotionally vulnerable and less focused on physical strength, assertiveness, and career achievements. None of these would seem natural to my dad. As a result, I witnessed very few examples of such traits while growing up.

Maybe we millennials are the first generation that will have to deal with this seismic shift in the definition of masculinity. And it seems we’re pretty confused about how to handle this challenge. The crisis of masculinity has been a core issue in conservative and right-leaning circles for several years now. We’ve seen figures like Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate, and others build their careers on addressing this male crisis. They present their own analysis of root causes, mostly connected to political correctness and culture wars, and then propose their solutions - typically advocating for more discipline or an outright return to “good” old social structures. This first wave of masculinity revival caused quite an uproar in left-leaning and liberal political circles. Accusations of misogyny were not uncommon (and not unfounded). Since the backlash, we’ve seen a slight correction (a Hegelian synthesis, one could say) and the emergence of more empirically-grounded positions on the topic, exemplified by thinkers like Richard Reeves. Overall, the masculinity crisis is now becoming mainstream.

Personally, I didn’t care about the topic for quite a long time. The occasional YouTube or Instagram reel recommendations featuring masculinity-focused influencers (Chris Williamson, Jordan Peterson, Theo Von, etc.) didn’t pique my interest much (though perhaps Google and Meta would say differently?). The pivotal moment came when I turned 30. As a single guy living in a foreign country, I started to mull over my future. Where did I see myself in 5 or 10 years? How should I approach the career vs. family dilemma? How could I create and maintain close male and female friendships when those friends were moving away or starting families? What did it mean to be a better man? How well-dressed and outspoken should I be? How should I approach dating?

Naturally, my first instinct was to look for inspirational men in my life. Which man could I envision myself being in those 5 to 10 years? My dad? Unfortunately, he doesn’t pass the “new masculinity” smell test. Some random guy on YouTube? I know literally nothing about the personal lives and behavior of these (just completely accidentally) tall, very handsome, and jacked-up dudes. Some great male colleague at the office? Unfortunately, I know too little about you, Greg, to consider you my life idol.

So I started researching whether there was any literature or scientific research published on how young men perceive their role models. Soon after, however, I began questioning myself for even going down this rabbit hole. Firstly, if my biggest problem was not having a “male life role model,” then I was doing great in life! This served as a valuable perspective check. The second point was more difficult to address: Why couldn’t I have a female role model? I’ve met multiple women in my life whom I absolutely admire, including my grandmother, mother, and several other successful female friends. I could see myself following their path and modeling some of my personality traits after them, no doubt. However, I felt what I needed was essentially a single picture, a photograph of someone whose image I could transpose myself onto. And for obvious reasons, that sexy lumberjack had to be a man. A weak excuse, perhaps, but I couldn’t find a better one.

As I delved deeper into existing literature and scientific research on the topic, I discovered something more troubling: not only are men failing to find role models to follow, they’re failing to sustain themselves in the first place.

Fallen men

There is now a plethora of evidence showing that men are failing across a range of social measures.

Young men are experiencing worsening outcomes in their pre-college education. Boys are more likely to be suspended and excluded from schools. They have much worse performance across a wide range of subjects, including language, reading, and writing. Their GCSE results (exams in UK schools for kids aged 13-16) are now consistently worse than girls’ in the top quantiles (source). The fraction of women successfully finishing high school education has surpassed men in most OECD countries, and the gap has been steadily increasing. The same applies for college degrees - men are much less likely to earn one these days (source).

The job market performance doesn’t paint a better picture. Young women are now more likely to be working or in education, and the share of men not in education, work, or training (NEET) has skyrocketed in the last 15 years. With better educational outcomes and higher job market participation rates come better salaries. The median salary of young women is now higher than or slowly approaching that of men (source). The largest gap has opened in the lowest quantiles of the distribution, where the cause has been attributed to very different job structures between men and women. Men without degrees are much more likely to work in occupations that are susceptible to automation and outsourcing (factory work, transportation, and construction). Women in the lower quantiles of income distribution, however, work more in HEAL occupations (health, education, administration, and literacy) that are less likely to be disrupted by these economic pressures (source).

Politically, young men are becoming increasingly conservative and leaning towards right-wing political parties. Meanwhile, young women have been increasingly supportive of liberal and left-wing policies. This trend has been consistent across a large number of upper and middle-income countries (source).

Finally, on the psychological front, men are more likely to experience loneliness. Men are also three times more likely to take their own lives than women in advanced economies (source).

Taking all these statistics together doesn’t imply that the gender gap has completely reversed in all respects. In the uppermost quantiles of income distribution, men are still represented significantly more than women across OECD countries. A larger portion of decision-making executive roles are still held by men. There is also an epidemic of violence against girls and women - in the form of domestic abuse, sexual harassment, rape, or murder. The recent horrific case of Gisele Pelicot and the so-called Mazan rapes is a salient proof that our societies have completely failed to properly entrench the absolutely critical role of consent in intimate relations between genders. The fight for gender equality in all these (and many more) aspects cannot be considered finished at all.

However, as we have made significant strides in female empowerment in the past few decades, another gap has started opening. And even though some of the problems do vary across races and income levels of men, the overall picture remains the same: men are falling behind.

Boys can learn, boys can work, boys can hug

Once you start researching possible causes of all these issues (and disregard arguments that are too hand-wavy), a few possible explanations emerge.

According to some researchers, one of the reasons why boys are now having worse educational outcomes is linked to their slower brain development during puberty (e.g., see this study among others). Their relatively slower brain development compared to girls predisposes them to worse high-school outcomes. In the past, when college admissions were either outright restricted or a socially unacceptable life choice for girls, boys’ potentially worse school outcomes didn’t matter - they would still get into college. However, once higher education for women became an accepted life trajectory, the competition between genders became sharper, and due to this developmental difference, girls started to outcompete boys (source).

Another thread, already mentioned above, is labor dislocation. As men are overrepresented in professions more prone to automation and outsourcing, many economic changes associated with globalization have impacted men disproportionately. The connection with all previously mentioned symptoms is clear: lower employment opportunities lead to reduced salary expectations over an individual’s working career. Stagnant salaries are connected to financial difficulties, which inevitably impacts stress levels and overall mental health. This argument is very hard to dispute. Unless men (primarily those belonging to lower income quantiles) see a dramatic improvement in their employment opportunities through either reshoring or profession switching, the symptoms described above are unlikely to improve.

The final thread - one I have personally experienced firsthand in my social circles - concerns the quality and quantity of social bonds men maintain throughout their lives. Having several close female friends has given me direct insight into the starkly different ways men and women tend to nurture their social networks. I noticed that in difficult personal situations, my female friends were more likely to reach out and offer support compared to my male friends. They were also much more willing to discuss personal difficulties and struggles. I acknowledge my own role in this dynamic - without a clear explanation, I find it harder to open up to my male friends than my female ones. Additionally, I’ve observed that many women around me take a more systematic approach to maintaining friendships through regular check-ins, meet-ups, weekend gatherings, and vacations together. From my experience, this kind of intentional relationship maintenance is not a particularly common behavior among my male friends.

Men who struggle with romantic relationships often show a concerning pattern of giving up on life itself. They frequently stop maintaining their appearance, neglect self-care, and their overall life perspective deteriorates rapidly. Studies have shown that men experience significantly worse mental health outcomes and lower happiness scores after relationship endings. This observation makes sense when considering that men typically have less robust social support networks. When they become more isolated within romantic relationships or marriages, the breakdown of these partnerships can have even more severe consequences.

Historical evidence strongly suggests that male friendships have undergone significant structural changes over the past two centuries, largely for the worse. Ancient mythology provides numerous examples of profound male friendships, with the relationship between Achilles and Patroclus from Homer’s Iliad being perhaps the most renowned. After Patroclus’s death, Achilles expressed his grief through crying and fasting, even requesting that his bones be mixed with his deceased friend’s ashes after his own death. This loss became his primary motivation to return to battle against the Trojans (source). The Achilles and Patroclus friendship represents just one of many examples of strong male bonds depicted in Greek mythology (such as Damon and Pythias). We also know through their extensive personal correspondence that America’s founding fathers maintained deep male friendships. Among many examples, Hamilton’s letter to John Laurens serves as a compelling illustration:

“Cold in my professions, warm in [my] friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power, by action rather than words, [to] convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that ’till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you.” (source)

Physical proximity between men was also far more socially accepted in the past, with men commonly holding hands or sharing beds without social stigma. There are some lovely collections of historical photos depicting men doing exactly that - holding hands, hugging, or wholeheartedly embracing each other (source).

According to some folks around the internet, the fundamental break came when homosexuality entered the public discourse as an object of medical investigation. One could become a target of shaming, medical investigation, and potential legal repercussions if they were found having too close a relationship with their male friends. I wasn’t able to fully corroborate this thesis with relevant historical studies. This thesis also raises more questions, as homosexuality wasn’t particularly accepted before the 19th century; rather than being classified as a medically deviant behavior, it was viewed from an ethical standpoint as a sin. So there is definitely more research needed to elucidate the reasons why the shift occurred. In our current times, though, heterosexual men do fear being classified as gay and shape their behavior to avoid that label (source). Many historically accepted male friendship traits might now be perceived as “gay,” leading men to eschew them.

While the decline in strong male friendships plays a significant role in today’s challenges faced by men, it would be oversimplifying to attribute all their difficulties to this single factor. Educational disparities and labor market inequalities deserve equal, if not greater, attention. Nevertheless, the erosion of close male bonds has definitely had a significant negative impact on society as a whole.

Prologue

Unfortunately, I still haven’t found that Ultimate Man™ role model. What I understand better now, though, is how many men are struggling to thrive in today’s world. What’s needed are maybe new role models: people who advocate for and deliver better education for young boys, people who create and provide more job opportunities for men, and people who nurture relationships with their fellow men.